Director: James Wong
Starring: Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung, Joon Park, James Marsters, Chow Yun-Fat
Running Time: 84 minutes (thank Christ for that)
There are some things that you cannot forget. Some things so horrific, so traumatising that they are burned into your consciousness forever. They become part of you, and no matter how hard you try, you can never rid yourself of them, or the scar that they leave on your soul. Dragonball Evolution is one of those things. I went into this film hoping to laugh my ass off, much as I did with Knowing or The Spirit. And while there was the occasional snicker, they were interspersed with frightened, frustrated and angry tears. Plot, narrative progression, character development: these are just some of the basic cinematic elements that the filmmakers chose to ignore, opting instead to molest my eyeballs with a big green alien dude and slow motion so gratuitous it would make Zack Snyder hang his head in shame. Despite my hopes, there is nothing redeeming, comedic or otherwise, about this movie. It is not so bad that it’s good. It’s just bad.
Poor Goku (Justin Chatwin, who you may remember from War of the Worlds and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (a personal favourite of mine)) is down on his luck. He’s got awesome kung fu skills but can’t use them against the bullies that make his life hell. And just as he finally musters up the courage to talk to love interest Chi Chi, his grandfather is killed when the evil alien lord Piccolo (James Marsters…fans of Buffy will barely recognise him as Spike) come to steal his ball. Dragonball that is. Now, Goku must team up with plucky scientist Bulma Briefs, roguish desert bandit Yamcha and quirky martial arts master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat in a career destroying role) in order to locate the six other magical glowing balls before Piccolo can uses them to…destroy the world, I guess. Along the way, Goku must master his ki/control his fighting spirit/believe in himself/embrace his destiny/million other film clichés before the final epic battle with Piccolo and his evil demonic minion Oozaru (there’s a twist here, but I won’t spoil the surprise.)
Chi Chi is eager to get a look at Goku's balls (I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist)
This movie is universally atrocious. The fight scenes are laughably bad, and look as though they’re out of a kung-fu spoof rather than a (supposedly) serious film. The acting from everyone involved is terrible…if I had to pick the worst performance it would probably go to Emmy Rossum as Bulma. Or maybe Joon Park as Yamcha. Or perhaps Chatwin…or Marsters…then again, seeing Chow Yun-Fat degrade himself like this is more depressing then the rest of the film combined (and that’s really saying something.) The movies story is ridiculous, lurching from one plot point to the next with no explanation as to how things happened. Everything is so convenient…it sure is lucky that Goku stumbled across Bulma, who just happened to have a “Dragonball Energy Detector” despite never having heard of Dragonballs. It sure is fortunate that the adventurers fell down a hole in the desert that just happened to contain one of the Dragonballs. It sure is convenient that Yamcha’s car can turn into a hovercraft at a moments notice (I kid you not.) The script is just awful, both the dialogue (there is more exposition in this movie than you can shake a stick at) and the ridiculous coincidences that occur again and again. And if any Dragonball fans comment about how the Dragonball detector was "in the series" I will bitch-slap you all the way back to your parents basements. Loyalty does not excuse bad screenwriting. Then again, I suspect that fans of the show will be far too enraged at the overall product to be upset by my complaints.
He knows Kung-Fu
This was a Fox Studios PG movie, so I didn’t expect much going in. But I really hoped that the story would at least make sense. Sadly, that was not the case. I am not a fan of the original cartoon (sorry, anime), but several of my friends tell me that this film (on top of just generally sucking) is a desecration of the original series (so there’s another reason to hate it). I like to say at least one positive thing about every movie I see, and so after much soul searching I can honestly state that Jamie Chung (who plays Chi Chi) is pretty hot. But like I said, PG movie. Dragonball Evolution has no legitimate qualities whatsoever. It is a black hole of entertainment, an utter wasteland of creativity and talent. Or, to put it another way…
Rating: 0/10
Dragonball Evolution is in cinemas now. Fox Studios has announced plans for a sequel.
Starring: Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung, Joon Park, James Marsters, Chow Yun-Fat
Running Time: 84 minutes (thank Christ for that)
There are some things that you cannot forget. Some things so horrific, so traumatising that they are burned into your consciousness forever. They become part of you, and no matter how hard you try, you can never rid yourself of them, or the scar that they leave on your soul. Dragonball Evolution is one of those things. I went into this film hoping to laugh my ass off, much as I did with Knowing or The Spirit. And while there was the occasional snicker, they were interspersed with frightened, frustrated and angry tears. Plot, narrative progression, character development: these are just some of the basic cinematic elements that the filmmakers chose to ignore, opting instead to molest my eyeballs with a big green alien dude and slow motion so gratuitous it would make Zack Snyder hang his head in shame. Despite my hopes, there is nothing redeeming, comedic or otherwise, about this movie. It is not so bad that it’s good. It’s just bad.Poor Goku (Justin Chatwin, who you may remember from War of the Worlds and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (a personal favourite of mine)) is down on his luck. He’s got awesome kung fu skills but can’t use them against the bullies that make his life hell. And just as he finally musters up the courage to talk to love interest Chi Chi, his grandfather is killed when the evil alien lord Piccolo (James Marsters…fans of Buffy will barely recognise him as Spike) come to steal his ball. Dragonball that is. Now, Goku must team up with plucky scientist Bulma Briefs, roguish desert bandit Yamcha and quirky martial arts master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat in a career destroying role) in order to locate the six other magical glowing balls before Piccolo can uses them to…destroy the world, I guess. Along the way, Goku must master his ki/control his fighting spirit/believe in himself/embrace his destiny/million other film clichés before the final epic battle with Piccolo and his evil demonic minion Oozaru (there’s a twist here, but I won’t spoil the surprise.)
Chi Chi is eager to get a look at Goku's balls (I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist)This movie is universally atrocious. The fight scenes are laughably bad, and look as though they’re out of a kung-fu spoof rather than a (supposedly) serious film. The acting from everyone involved is terrible…if I had to pick the worst performance it would probably go to Emmy Rossum as Bulma. Or maybe Joon Park as Yamcha. Or perhaps Chatwin…or Marsters…then again, seeing Chow Yun-Fat degrade himself like this is more depressing then the rest of the film combined (and that’s really saying something.) The movies story is ridiculous, lurching from one plot point to the next with no explanation as to how things happened. Everything is so convenient…it sure is lucky that Goku stumbled across Bulma, who just happened to have a “Dragonball Energy Detector” despite never having heard of Dragonballs. It sure is fortunate that the adventurers fell down a hole in the desert that just happened to contain one of the Dragonballs. It sure is convenient that Yamcha’s car can turn into a hovercraft at a moments notice (I kid you not.) The script is just awful, both the dialogue (there is more exposition in this movie than you can shake a stick at) and the ridiculous coincidences that occur again and again. And if any Dragonball fans comment about how the Dragonball detector was "in the series" I will bitch-slap you all the way back to your parents basements. Loyalty does not excuse bad screenwriting. Then again, I suspect that fans of the show will be far too enraged at the overall product to be upset by my complaints.
He knows Kung-FuThis was a Fox Studios PG movie, so I didn’t expect much going in. But I really hoped that the story would at least make sense. Sadly, that was not the case. I am not a fan of the original cartoon (sorry, anime), but several of my friends tell me that this film (on top of just generally sucking) is a desecration of the original series (so there’s another reason to hate it). I like to say at least one positive thing about every movie I see, and so after much soul searching I can honestly state that Jamie Chung (who plays Chi Chi) is pretty hot. But like I said, PG movie. Dragonball Evolution has no legitimate qualities whatsoever. It is a black hole of entertainment, an utter wasteland of creativity and talent. Or, to put it another way…
Rating: 0/10
Dragonball Evolution is in cinemas now. Fox Studios has announced plans for a sequel.
