Genre: Sci-Fi Action
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Ramón Rodríguez, John Turturro
Running Time: 147 minutes (plus trailers)
If you are planning on going to see this flick - the latest CGI spectacle from the master of attention deficit filmmaking Michael Bay – there is probably nothing I can do to stop you. If you’ve already decided to give Bay and his Industrial Light and Magic cronies your hard-earned cash, me announcing that this ranks as one of the worst movies I’ve seen all year isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference. If I were to tell you that this film was filled with awful dialogue, racist characters and extremely mediocre action sequences, would I be able to dissuade you? Of course not. You and the other three hundred and ninety million dollars worth of movie-loving suckers around the globe are still going to be lining up for your large popcorn and soda (served in a collectable Optimus Prime shaped cup) like the poor naïve peons that you are. Not that I’m any better. For I too was tricked by the admittedly badass trailers that promised epic robot battles, gargantuan explosions filmed from twelve different camera angles and extensive slow motion shots of Megan Fox running towards the camera in a low cut top. I too thought I could tolerate Shia LaBeouf and his jive talking Autobot pals if it meant action on par with the first Transformers film. But sadly, all the rail gun wielding cyborgs and FHM hottest bod winners in the world couldn’t make up for the permanent scarring that was left on my cerebellum after two and a half agonizing hours in the theatre with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Since the events of the first Transformers movie, the Autobots have struck up an alliance with the US military, helping them hunt down the evil Deceptions that have been rearing their ugly metallic heads around the world. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has somehow managed to hold onto his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) for the past two years, but now their relationship is faced with a new challenge; he’s off to college, whilst she’s staying at home to take care of her creepy looking ex con dad. However maintaining a long distance relationship and preventing your father from committing a sex crime turns out to be the least of these young lovers’ problems. Because wouldn’t you know it, Sam accidentally absorbs some information from the robot cube thingy, and Megatron is suddenly resurrected before you can say “super sexy transformations sequence activate”. Furthermore, it turns out that Megatron is actually just a minion of the far scarier looking Decepticon known as The Fallen, who wants to destroy our sun…for some reason. I don’t really remember what happens after that....I do recall a very long and boring National Treasure type sequence set in Egypt…then I think some robots fire missiles at each other. Pretty sure everything works out in the end though, with just enough badies surviving to ensure Transformers 3 come July 4th 2011.
In a movie filled with offensive and idiotic stereotypes, the robot twins Skids and Mudflap take the cake. Sporting big ears and buck teeth, they proclaim (with Jim Crowe-like accents) that they “don’t do much readin’” – no longer can we call Jar Jar Binks the most distasteful computer animated black caricature. And, whilst it is a bold claim to say that any character is more annoying than Jar Jar, these two might just pull it off. But don’t worry. This movie won’t just offend African Americans. Oh no! Because apparently Michael Bay and screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman also hate old people! Allow me to introduce Jetfire, a crotchety old robot who walks with a cane, speaks with a British accent (he even says “bollocks”) and complains about kids these days. Thankfully this character isn’t in much of the movie (just long enough to offer some exposition about the ancient history of Cybertron), but he certainly leaves a lasting impression. And a smell of mothballs.
But as grating as the robots are, the human characters manage to be equally if not more painful. Julie White plays Sam’s mother – if you think the masturbation joke in the first movie was bad, just wait until you see the scene where she gets high on hash brownies. Ramón Rodriguez and John Turturro play two of the most irritating sidekicks in film history (and wouldn’t you know it, they both survive), and John Benjamin Hickey plays the Presidents National Security Advisor whose sole purpose is to get in the way – so much so that I thought he might be a Decepticon mole: turns out he’s just really stupid. All things considered, Megan Fox and Shia LeBoeuf don’t actually do that badly – sure their dialogue sucks and their relationship is totally unbelievable, but hey, at least they’re pretty. In that respect, Australian actress Isabel Lucas is also a fine addition to the cast – mark her under eye-candy. The only actually likeable character in the entire movie is Bumblebee and he doesn’t even talk. Although come to think of it, that’s probably why he’s so likeable
The script is atrocious. Revenge of the Fallen has one of the most juvenile senses of humour of any movie I have ever seen. Whether it’s the bit where the little robot humps Megan Fox’s leg, or the close-up of a giant robot’s testicles made up of two wrecking balls, this movie aspires to comedic intelligence of my nephew. And he’s three years old. The story is…well, there is one. Which is a big problem for a Transformers film. Ideally, the plot should be just enough to string together the action sequences in a manner that is half-way credible. Instead, this movie is weighed down by all this stupid stuff about ancient Transformer heritage and the energy crisis on planet robot – after about half an hour you just want to yell “get to the fucking explosions already!” But no, instead we get more exposition, and more flashbacks and more “it is your destiny” garbage. The dialogue is universally laughable (well, except for the jokes).
The basic principle behind any action sequel is to magnify what you had in the first film. Now I actually liked Transformers 1; I though the action was phenomenal and everything else (by which I mean the story, dialogue and characters) was bad but tolerable. Transformers 2 has managed to expand all these aspects to their full unbearable potential whilst simultaneously taking several leaps backwards in the action department. When it does come, it looks great – the CGI is flawless and Michael Bay is clearly a master of his craft. However while the special effects shine, the pacing is way off. Take for example the final climactic desert sequence; we get twenty minutes of anonymous robots shooting at each other, but then the big fight between Optimus and The Fallen lasts for about a minute and a half. This movie is two and a half hours long – surely I shouldn’t have to complain about a lack of action!
Bay’s attempts to make the movie bigger have backfired. Whilst in the first movie there were about ten robots, there must be close to forty in this one, which isn’t as cool as you might think. It sounds a bit childish, but there’s something fun about knowing which robot turns into a helicopter, which one turns into a tank and so forth. This anonymity hurts the audience’s enjoyment; there’s no emotional attachment, so the action is inherently diminished. The score, whilst well composed, is incredibly overblown; it would have been more subtle to have Uncle Sam standing on a soap box yelling “Go America, rah, rah, rah!” I do like most of Bay’s films (which include The Rock, Armageddon and Bad Boys I & II), but the simple fact is that he has not done a good job directing here. About half an hour should have been cut, and the distance between action sequences (and the lack of tension in any of them) left me feeling incredibly bored. And that’s the worst thing of all. I could’ve forgiven the stupid story, the scatological humour and even the racism if this movie had just been fun.
I’ve run out of synonyms for “bad”, so it looks as though it’s time to wrap up this review. For the record, I feel completely spent. As I said in my introduction, this movie is critic proof, and it’s futile of me or any other reviewer to try and convince people not to see it. But you know what? I’ve given it my best shot anyway. Because I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself if I didn’t at least try to protect others from this bloated, juvenile and offensive piece of garbage. This movie had me wincing, cringing and apologising to my friends who I had unwittingly lured to the cinema with the promise of a halfway decent action film. The one star I’ve given it goes to the CGI, the sound design and about ten minutes of the action. Before I go, there is one figure I’d like to repeat. Three hundred and ninety million US dollars in five days. That’s got to be close to thirty million people. Thirty million molested. To use the metaphor of prison rape (which I think has come up a couple of times on this blog), Transformers 2 is a 300 pound heavily tattooed white supremacist serving 25 to life. And I and thirty million others were its collective bitch. If that doesn’t summarise my feelings, I don’t know what will.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is in cinemas now. And god help us, it will be for a long time.
P.S. Over at /Film, Russ Fischer has written an really interesting piece that offers some insight into the racism in this film. To read the article, click here.
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Ramón Rodríguez, John Turturro
Running Time: 147 minutes (plus trailers)
If you are planning on going to see this flick - the latest CGI spectacle from the master of attention deficit filmmaking Michael Bay – there is probably nothing I can do to stop you. If you’ve already decided to give Bay and his Industrial Light and Magic cronies your hard-earned cash, me announcing that this ranks as one of the worst movies I’ve seen all year isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference. If I were to tell you that this film was filled with awful dialogue, racist characters and extremely mediocre action sequences, would I be able to dissuade you? Of course not. You and the other three hundred and ninety million dollars worth of movie-loving suckers around the globe are still going to be lining up for your large popcorn and soda (served in a collectable Optimus Prime shaped cup) like the poor naïve peons that you are. Not that I’m any better. For I too was tricked by the admittedly badass trailers that promised epic robot battles, gargantuan explosions filmed from twelve different camera angles and extensive slow motion shots of Megan Fox running towards the camera in a low cut top. I too thought I could tolerate Shia LaBeouf and his jive talking Autobot pals if it meant action on par with the first Transformers film. But sadly, all the rail gun wielding cyborgs and FHM hottest bod winners in the world couldn’t make up for the permanent scarring that was left on my cerebellum after two and a half agonizing hours in the theatre with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.Since the events of the first Transformers movie, the Autobots have struck up an alliance with the US military, helping them hunt down the evil Deceptions that have been rearing their ugly metallic heads around the world. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has somehow managed to hold onto his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) for the past two years, but now their relationship is faced with a new challenge; he’s off to college, whilst she’s staying at home to take care of her creepy looking ex con dad. However maintaining a long distance relationship and preventing your father from committing a sex crime turns out to be the least of these young lovers’ problems. Because wouldn’t you know it, Sam accidentally absorbs some information from the robot cube thingy, and Megatron is suddenly resurrected before you can say “super sexy transformations sequence activate”. Furthermore, it turns out that Megatron is actually just a minion of the far scarier looking Decepticon known as The Fallen, who wants to destroy our sun…for some reason. I don’t really remember what happens after that....I do recall a very long and boring National Treasure type sequence set in Egypt…then I think some robots fire missiles at each other. Pretty sure everything works out in the end though, with just enough badies surviving to ensure Transformers 3 come July 4th 2011.In a movie filled with offensive and idiotic stereotypes, the robot twins Skids and Mudflap take the cake. Sporting big ears and buck teeth, they proclaim (with Jim Crowe-like accents) that they “don’t do much readin’” – no longer can we call Jar Jar Binks the most distasteful computer animated black caricature. And, whilst it is a bold claim to say that any character is more annoying than Jar Jar, these two might just pull it off. But don’t worry. This movie won’t just offend African Americans. Oh no! Because apparently Michael Bay and screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman also hate old people! Allow me to introduce Jetfire, a crotchety old robot who walks with a cane, speaks with a British accent (he even says “bollocks”) and complains about kids these days. Thankfully this character isn’t in much of the movie (just long enough to offer some exposition about the ancient history of Cybertron), but he certainly leaves a lasting impression. And a smell of mothballs.But as grating as the robots are, the human characters manage to be equally if not more painful. Julie White plays Sam’s mother – if you think the masturbation joke in the first movie was bad, just wait until you see the scene where she gets high on hash brownies. Ramón Rodriguez and John Turturro play two of the most irritating sidekicks in film history (and wouldn’t you know it, they both survive), and John Benjamin Hickey plays the Presidents National Security Advisor whose sole purpose is to get in the way – so much so that I thought he might be a Decepticon mole: turns out he’s just really stupid. All things considered, Megan Fox and Shia LeBoeuf don’t actually do that badly – sure their dialogue sucks and their relationship is totally unbelievable, but hey, at least they’re pretty. In that respect, Australian actress Isabel Lucas is also a fine addition to the cast – mark her under eye-candy. The only actually likeable character in the entire movie is Bumblebee and he doesn’t even talk. Although come to think of it, that’s probably why he’s so likeableThe script is atrocious. Revenge of the Fallen has one of the most juvenile senses of humour of any movie I have ever seen. Whether it’s the bit where the little robot humps Megan Fox’s leg, or the close-up of a giant robot’s testicles made up of two wrecking balls, this movie aspires to comedic intelligence of my nephew. And he’s three years old. The story is…well, there is one. Which is a big problem for a Transformers film. Ideally, the plot should be just enough to string together the action sequences in a manner that is half-way credible. Instead, this movie is weighed down by all this stupid stuff about ancient Transformer heritage and the energy crisis on planet robot – after about half an hour you just want to yell “get to the fucking explosions already!” But no, instead we get more exposition, and more flashbacks and more “it is your destiny” garbage. The dialogue is universally laughable (well, except for the jokes).The basic principle behind any action sequel is to magnify what you had in the first film. Now I actually liked Transformers 1; I though the action was phenomenal and everything else (by which I mean the story, dialogue and characters) was bad but tolerable. Transformers 2 has managed to expand all these aspects to their full unbearable potential whilst simultaneously taking several leaps backwards in the action department. When it does come, it looks great – the CGI is flawless and Michael Bay is clearly a master of his craft. However while the special effects shine, the pacing is way off. Take for example the final climactic desert sequence; we get twenty minutes of anonymous robots shooting at each other, but then the big fight between Optimus and The Fallen lasts for about a minute and a half. This movie is two and a half hours long – surely I shouldn’t have to complain about a lack of action!Bay’s attempts to make the movie bigger have backfired. Whilst in the first movie there were about ten robots, there must be close to forty in this one, which isn’t as cool as you might think. It sounds a bit childish, but there’s something fun about knowing which robot turns into a helicopter, which one turns into a tank and so forth. This anonymity hurts the audience’s enjoyment; there’s no emotional attachment, so the action is inherently diminished. The score, whilst well composed, is incredibly overblown; it would have been more subtle to have Uncle Sam standing on a soap box yelling “Go America, rah, rah, rah!” I do like most of Bay’s films (which include The Rock, Armageddon and Bad Boys I & II), but the simple fact is that he has not done a good job directing here. About half an hour should have been cut, and the distance between action sequences (and the lack of tension in any of them) left me feeling incredibly bored. And that’s the worst thing of all. I could’ve forgiven the stupid story, the scatological humour and even the racism if this movie had just been fun.I’ve run out of synonyms for “bad”, so it looks as though it’s time to wrap up this review. For the record, I feel completely spent. As I said in my introduction, this movie is critic proof, and it’s futile of me or any other reviewer to try and convince people not to see it. But you know what? I’ve given it my best shot anyway. Because I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself if I didn’t at least try to protect others from this bloated, juvenile and offensive piece of garbage. This movie had me wincing, cringing and apologising to my friends who I had unwittingly lured to the cinema with the promise of a halfway decent action film. The one star I’ve given it goes to the CGI, the sound design and about ten minutes of the action. Before I go, there is one figure I’d like to repeat. Three hundred and ninety million US dollars in five days. That’s got to be close to thirty million people. Thirty million molested. To use the metaphor of prison rape (which I think has come up a couple of times on this blog), Transformers 2 is a 300 pound heavily tattooed white supremacist serving 25 to life. And I and thirty million others were its collective bitch. If that doesn’t summarise my feelings, I don’t know what will.Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is in cinemas now. And god help us, it will be for a long time.
P.S. Over at /Film, Russ Fischer has written an really interesting piece that offers some insight into the racism in this film. To read the article, click here.
