I am currently halfway through season 7 of 24, which I think is proving to be one of the strongest in the shows history. Tony is back, Agent Renee Walker is smoking and Jack Bauer is as mind crushingly awesome as ever. But this new season has given me a case of nostalgia, and so I though I'd take a look back at some of Jacks most memorable moments. So here for you viewing pleasure is the Walt Cummings' Eyeball Memorial List of Agent Jack Bauer's Most Badass Badasseries.
10. Jack Goes Bat-Shit Crazy (Season 1)
I don’t know why Jack gets so upset when Nina tells him that Kim is dead. She’s a whiny pain in the ass who causes the man nothing but trouble (and this doesn’t exactly change in season two and three.) But I’m willing to forgive the writers because this plot point leads to one of the most amazing moments in the show’s history. Jack drives a van through a wall wielding dual pistols and proceeds to take out all of Drazen’s henchmen. He then corners Victor Drazen on the dock and shoots him not once, not twice, but twelve times! High score!
This for trying to kill Keanu Reeves in Speed!9. The Patented Jack Bauer Thigh Neck Snap (Season 3, 5, Redemption)
Step One: Get handcuffed or tied up in some way by anonymous terrorists (preferably Arabs)
Step Two: Refuse to answer terrorist’s questions despite their various and creative methods of torture (these may include electrocution, burning, toe nail pulling and monologing)
Step Three: Wait until they turn around
Step Four: Wrap your thighs around their head and twist until you hear that satisfying crunch
Step Five: Repeat
One down...8. Nina Myers Gets What She Deserves (Season 3)
“You don't have anymore useful information, do you Nina?” Nina Myers was one of those characters who had a habit of showing up at the most unlikeliest of moments in order to make Jacks life that much more difficult* . That is, until he SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE HEAD!!! I don’t like to throw harsh words around, but Nina was an absolute bitch and seeing Jack finally avenge his wife's death was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen (which probably says a lot about me as a person).
Ha ha ha!*see also: Chase, Kim, Mandy
7. Paul Raines Has A Bad Day (Season 4)
What do you do when your girlfriend’s smarmy British ex husband shows up with plans to sweep her off her feet? If you’re Jack Bauer, you tie him up and electrocute him with a lamp! Season four really amped up the torture, and this was probably the most glorious torture scene of them all. It turned out the Paul had nothing to do with the terrorist conspiracy, but that’s beside the point. And it doesn’t end there. Only a few hours later when Paul is having life saving surgery (after taking a bullet for Jack), Jack orders the doctor to stop the operation so he can save the life of a no good terrorist with vital information instead. Paul dies…relationship saved!
Jack busts in on Paul Raines6. Innovative Interrogation (Season 5)
So your former mentor turns out to be planning a massive terrorist attack on American soil, and you need to get information out of him fast. Do you
a) Ask him politely.
b) Ask him aggressively.
c) Threaten to shoot his wife in the leg.
d) Actually shoot his wife in the leg.
e) All of the above.
I couldn't find an appropriate picture...so instead here's a really awesome one5. The Towel (Season 1)
I remember season one. Tony was just a computer nerd, Nina was trustworthy, Teri was alive and Jack wasn’t on a first name basis with the American president. Those truly were simpler times. And yet even then, Jack only needs a simple dishcloth to be totally badass. Observe:
“You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die.”
I don't even know if what he threatened to do was possible, but either way this still remains one of 24’s coolest moments (and all his does is talk)
This man can kill you with a hankerchief4. Chase’s Hand + Jack Bauer + Axe (Season 3)
Let’s face it...everybody hates Chase. He spends the entire season getting in Jacks way, and the only time he’s effectual is when he distracts the Salazar’s by getting himself captured and tortured for several hours. My personal hatred of him is aggravated because he gets to grope Elisha Cuthbert. But Jack doesn’t stand for anyone touching his daughter, and so in the season finale he decided to cut off Chases groping hand with an axe. Sure, Bauer might claim that he did it to prevent a deadly bio-weapon from getting released, but I think deep down he just hates Chase as much as the rest of us.
Your first error was handcuffing the canister full of deadly virus to your arm. It's a rookie mistake3. The Flare Gun (Season 2)
He shoots a dude in the chest with a freaking flare gun! Do I really need to explain why this is awesome?
I believe the technical term for this right here is OWNED!!!2. Jack Goes Primal (Season 6)
In one of the most preposterously moments in 24’s history (what do you expect, it was season 6?), Jack, after being tortured in China for twenty months, is freed by his government only to be immediately handed over to some terrorists to be executed. But even after all that physical trauma, he still manages to rip a dude’s jugular out with his teeth, steal his keys, free himself from a pair of handcuffs and go on another 24 hour adventure. And that’s why we love him.
A little torture never hurt anyone
1. “I’m Gonna Need A Hacksaw” (Season 2)
Todays winner is without a doubt the most badass thing I have ever seen on television. Let’s look at it from the writer’s point of view. It’s been eighteen months since your hero’s wife died, and you need to demonstrate to audiences that he’s a changed man. You could give him some grizzled facial hair and write a scene where he tries to get back in his daughters life. Or, alternatively, you could have him shoot an unarmed man at close range and then cut his head off with a hacksaw. But don’t worry. Just include some minor expository dialogue that reveals that this unarmed man was a child pornographer and no one will mind. Trust me, that’s all the character development you’ll ever need.
In one of the most preposterously moments in 24’s history (what do you expect, it was season 6?), Jack, after being tortured in China for twenty months, is freed by his government only to be immediately handed over to some terrorists to be executed. But even after all that physical trauma, he still manages to rip a dude’s jugular out with his teeth, steal his keys, free himself from a pair of handcuffs and go on another 24 hour adventure. And that’s why we love him.
A little torture never hurt anyone1. “I’m Gonna Need A Hacksaw” (Season 2)
Todays winner is without a doubt the most badass thing I have ever seen on television. Let’s look at it from the writer’s point of view. It’s been eighteen months since your hero’s wife died, and you need to demonstrate to audiences that he’s a changed man. You could give him some grizzled facial hair and write a scene where he tries to get back in his daughters life. Or, alternatively, you could have him shoot an unarmed man at close range and then cut his head off with a hacksaw. But don’t worry. Just include some minor expository dialogue that reveals that this unarmed man was a child pornographer and no one will mind. Trust me, that’s all the character development you’ll ever need.
Grizzly Adams did have a beardWasn’t that a fun trip down memory lane? I have a sudden urge to turn on my DVD player…but then again I feel that urge pretty much every day. Thanks to Chris “Miles Papazian” Weinberg and Stuart “crazy hermit who lives in the woods and kidnaps Kim in season 2” De Poi for their help with this article, which is dedicated to the late President David Palmer, as well as George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, Michelle Dessler, Edgar Stiles, Curtis Manning, Milo Pressman and the countless other CTU agents who have died so that Jack Bauer could survive and look all the more awesome by comparison.
Season 7 of 24 is currently airing in Australia sunday nights on Channel 7.
Would it be considered gay if I covered this picutre with hundreds of tiny hearts?
