From the desk of Tom Clift
Friday December 4th, 2009
Dear the people I see movies with,
I want you all to pay close attention to me, because I have something very important to tell you. Please turn of any music you might be listening to, close all other tabs in your browser (including the porn – yes, I’m talking to you) and listen up. I’m about to drop some hard truths on you. You may not like what I’m about to say, but I feel that it’s integral that you understand this; otherwise we may never be able to watch a movie together again. And that’s something that neither of us want. Please believe me when I say that this comes from a place of love. I’m not mocking you, or judging you. I just want to be able to watch the movie in peace. So for everyone’s benefit, I need to tell you something.
You don’t know shit about guns.
We all love movies here. And specifically, we love movies with guns. Guns, like drugs, cigarettes, gangsters and Christopher Walken, are cool; there’s no point in even trying to deny it. Even the most pretentious film snobs among us secretly loves that moment in Lethal Weapon 2 where Murtaugh shoots the diplomatic immunity guy in the head, and can’t help but drool just a little during the lobby shooting spree in The Matrix.
Whether it’s the final showdown in a cemetery at the end of a western, a horde of zombies being blasted at by a sawn off double-barreled 12 gauge Remington shotgun, wave after wave of soldiers being mown down during the Omaha beachhead assault or just a lone terrorist being picked off by a sniper rifle, there are few things more capable of bringing intensity to a film than a gun.
Likewise, there a few things more annoying than some jackass (read: you) who halfway through the fucking movie pipes up with a helpful comment like “you can’t fire that many shots from a Desert Eagle” or “it’s impossible to get that level of accuracy on that kind rifle”.
Now let’s be honest for a second: you don’t know anything about guns. Alright? Odds are, if you’re seeing a movie with me, you are an eighteen year old white male who lives in Australia. You are NOT an expert on guns. You don’t own any guns. You’ve probably never even fired a gun. And no, the rifle on your uncle’s farm when you were twelve does not count. Neither does the high score you got in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for shooting all those civilians in the airport. You do not know shit about guns.
On the other hand, people on movies do know about guns. The director, despite what you think, is not an idiot. Movies are expensive. Even cheap movies are expensive. And some of the money spent on a movie is used to pay the salaries of people called consultants. It is the consultant’s job to ensure that the movies are accurate, that everything portrayed in the film makes sense. In many movies in which there are a lot of guns, there are people on set whose only job is to ensure that firearms are used and portrayed in the film in a manner that is both safe and true to life. These are experts. Not you.
And that really is the most embarrassing thing; nine times out of ten, when you point out some problem with the guns in the movie, you are the one who is wrong, not the movie. But then there’s always the other guy, the guy who feels the need to correct you, to say “actually if the Desert Eagle was custom made it could blah blah blah blah blah”. And then you both feel the need to argue about, as if anyone else cared! Personally, I’m willing to give the experts the benefit of the doubt and assume that everything the guns do in the movie they can do in real life. But even if they can’t, even if this is the one out of ten times when YOU are right and THEY are wrong, I still don’t give a shit!
Because you could be a weapon expert. You could be a consultant for the military. You could moonlight as an assassin for the Russian mafia and spend your weekends picking off high ranking members of the inner fucking circle of the Serbian parliament; you’re still being an asshole. Even if you are correct, pointing out the flaws in the film DURING the film does not make you the cool awesome guy who knows lots about guns. It makes you the dickhead who is talking when everyone else is trying to enjoy the movie!
So shut the fuck up guys. If you see a “problem” with the way guns are represented or used in a movie, then good for you; I hope you feel very cool. But please keep it to yourself. If you really feel this burning desire to make yourself the smartest guy in the room, at least wait until the film is finished before you grace us all with your expertise. Because I just can’t handle the nitpicking anymore, and I seriously feel like I’m on the verge of snapping.
And I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?
Well, do ya? Punk?
Yours sincerely
Tom Clift
